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Tory

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[30 Jul 2009|11:59am]
Two very 'blah' days in a row. Trying to find my motivation. Back has been hurting. Workouts not giving me that energized feeling.

Must keep hold of my determination.

I miss having friends.
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Oh, Montreal [28 Jul 2009|12:40pm]
Man. I think I really needed a change. To start with a clean slate, to freely reinvent myself once again. I wish it were easier to do without the whole insane upheaval that is a cross-continental move, but given I'm already far more attached to this city than I ever was to Edmonton, I won't complain about it now.

When I first got here I was so mired in negativity, fear and anxiety and just scuzzy depression. I'm not saying I've completely gotten rid of it, but I have rediscovered my inner determination, a part of myself that I thought I'd lost. Over the last five years I lost track of how many times I'd whine 'Where did all my tenacity go? I used to be one of the most persistent, determined people I knew and now... I have no will power at all.' I really felt that a part of me had been lost, the main part of my strength was sapped away.

I'm not sure why or how moving here has brought it back, or helped me find it again, but I'm grateful. I'm able to motivate myself with the same no-nonsense-just-do-it determination that got me through high school and through my last year of college. This time with the added bonus of not using any drugs, alcohol or cigarettes to self-medicate and cut the edge off.

In the short time I've been here, I've gone from being so phenomenally out of shape that walking a couple city blocks required me to stop and sit because my lower back was killing me, to being able to run around the city more or less pain free thanks to twice daily workouts in the gym. I haven't been going too crazy, I started out with once daily 10 minute walks and gradually built up to twice daily 20 minute walks.

Today I pushed through and went 33 minutes and I feel really good.

I've been keeping up with my share of the chores, which is also something I used to let slide, letting Jay shoulder the bulk of the responsibilities, and I'm feeling better in that area as well.

We move into our new place next week and I'm pretty damned excited. I weigh myself tomorrow, and we'll see how I'm doing, week two. I still need to focus on eating more healthily. I keep telling myself that'll be a lot easier once I'm out of a hotel room, kitchenette or no kitchenette. I miss my stuff. It's easier to cook when I have more room. Excuses, excuses. But my god, the food in Montreal is amazing. Heh.

The only thing I haven't started on that I really want to, is my French. That'll be my next step, integrating that into the rest of my changes.
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Do a little dance [22 Jul 2009|01:56pm]
[ mood | bouncy ]

Woot! So, moving to Montreal has been a turning point for me. Seriously. And in very good ways. I've been going to the gym everyday and have been much more aware of what I do and don't do. I've taken a much more active role in taking care of my darling beasts, I've been proactive about helping out around the house and even volunteering to embark on my own for lease signage. So I'm feeling good. :)

I also found out today that my daily jaunts to the gym have resulted in me losing 4.4 pounds in the last week. How awesome is that?! Only 15.6 pounds to go towards my goal!

And that is with me eating pizza and donuts and crepes and oreos and crap like that! If I actually start cooking healthy foods again, that paired with my daily workouts... well. I'm very pleased!

I'm pretty okay giving up the donuts and oreos. I was good about the pizza -- I ate salad and only had one (large) slice for dinner the other night. But I might just take a knife to whoever tells me I can't have one of those crepes... dear god. There's this place, like 4 or 5 blocks for our hotel... it's called Tropical Hawaii and they have this Nutella, strawberry and banana crepe... Jesus. Also they have the most unbelievable fruit salads. It's like.. fruit-vana. I LOVE fruit (It's my dieting downfall, truly) and this place is like a Lebanese altar to the Fruit Gods. I know, I know, it's weird. A Lebanese restaurant that specializes in crepes and fruit. It's weird, but my favorite place in Montreal at the moment.

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Terminating radio silence...now! [19 Jul 2009|08:52am]
[ mood | cheerful ]

Hello again, people of... uhm.. Livejournal!

Oi. I guess it's been a month? Wow really? Since I posted. In my defense, a -few- things have been going on. :)

So Jay and I are in Montreal now. The trip, as most of you I'm pretty sure know, was smooth as silk, the cats were unbelievably awesome on the road for the four days of driving and if anything, seem even happier here in Montreal. Jay and I have been amazed at the change in Kif, who has been seen locked in fierce kitty play-combat with his sister without a single growl, hiss or anything. There have been multiple tri-kitty cuddle fests. It seriously... I can't even begin to express how awesome it is to see them like they were before the debacle. Jay of course attributes this to Kif's gratitude for being brought to 'his people' which must be said with a thick and completely incorrect french accent.

Our first week in Montreal has been... so hectic. I was talking to my mom and she was saying how nice it was that we get all this time off together, and how awesome it is that Jay gets a 'three week vacation' and I kind of had to laugh. This has been nothing at all like a vacation. This has been stress-out central for the last three weeks. I mean the last week in Edmonton were all about getting the apartment ready for the movers, throwing out a ton of stuff, trying to figure out just how screwed we are for breaking our lease and then camping out in our livingroom when we had no furniture. Then there was the week we spent driving. Now even I fell into the trap of thinking this part would be fun. But I forgot what road trips tend to be like when you're worried about money and this time we had the added bonus of being limited to hotels that allowed pets. Then our first week here.

We got here on Thursday the 9th. I think the panic set in on the 11th. Not counting the complete freak out as we tried to find the hotel at 11 o clock at night in Downtown Montreal. To explain: It's like driving in Manhattan, when all the other cars are driven by people who think they're driving in Istanbul. (Ally I'm sure you're likely the only one who gets that, but it's true.) Anyhoo, there was the 'omg culture shock' going on, the general weirdness of being in a new city and then just the sinking feeling of having committed to something that you know is going to be difficult.

The thing about Montreal is that in moving here, I have to change on a fundamental level, just to live here. There is no being lazy in Montreal. I can't assume or demand that Jay shuttle me everywhere. I have to walk, I have to exercise. I also have to be bolder in my interactions with people. I have to speak a different language to get around. I have to take chances and explore. I don't have choices in these areas unless I want to turn into a complete recluse that never leaves the house. So yeah. Fundamental change.

I tried explaining this to Jay after I had a total melt down. I tend to operate like this: I realize I need to make a change, I acknowledge a course of action, I put the plan into motion, I pass the point of no return, I then proceed to throw a world-class temper tantrum. Why? I dunno. But I do. It's like I try very hard not to think about what I'm doing while I'm making the decision to change so that the rest of me doesn't catch on. Then, once the trap is set, I allow myself to get caught in it, the rest of me figures out what I've done and I get royally pissed... while at the same time being completely and utterly aware that the thing I'm mad about was something I orchestrated and know to be long-term beneficial.

Does that make me utterly crazy?

That being said, I've been out almost every day and on the days (2) I didn't leave the hotel I went to the gym to use the treadmills. I've been to the gym almost every night since we got here, which is pretty awesome. The two nights we didn't we'd spent walking around the city like crazy, so I didn't feel terribly guilty.

Also in the positives column, Jay and I both have already learned A LOT about the city and how to navigate it. Typically I just let Jay figure that out, but I've been actively learning the area and it feels really good.

We spent two days with an awesome dude named Lucian who showed us around the various districts, explained them all and then took us to see half a bajillion apartments. The first day was kinda depressing because we didn't know what to really ask for. Apparently in Montreal an apartment that comes with a stove and refrigerator is considered 'semi-furnished' instead of yanno 'standard'. So that was a trip. The second day started off pretty terribly, because the apartments we saw were either in not very good locations, or were just... really bad. Dirty, landlords not wanting to renovate, a lot of just.. I dunno. Scuzzy places. See, thing is, in Montreal, everyone's leases start and end on the same day, Moving Day. Known in the rest of Canada as 'Canada Day', known to the rest of the world as July 1. So yes. In a city of 2-3 million people, everyone moves on the same frickin' day. Which means since we didn't start looking until well after the 1st, most of the apartments were already taken. So there was that.

However, I think we found a place. Jay and I are a little concerned because it's small. It's only a one bedroom, and we're paying more than we really want to for it ($780 plus another $65 for indoor parking, so $845 total) but it is REALLY close to a Metro stop (huge bonus) the neighborhood is AWESOME and it's close to just about everything we could want to be close to. The St. Joseph Oratory is just down the street from our place. But! It's very nice, very clean, the landlord guy is SUPER nice and funny, (plus he speaks English which is a serious bonus) he's renovating the entire apartment, redoing the floors and the bathroom. It's all hardwood floors, big bright windows and huge rooms. I'm pretty sure we're going to have enough space. The only thing we're worried about is the gaming table I built for Jay.

We're finishing up the deal today, dropping off the application and our deposit. We sign the lease and pay the rest of the rent later this week.

The only other stuff to mention is that Jay got sick and I'm in the process of hoping I'm not getting it as well. Jay starts work tomorrow and I will hopefully, be able to find out what the status of the term-testing position in Montreal is. I might have a shot at going straight back to work for BioWare and I hope that is the case. It would really be the best thing. Then I could just work until something more permanent comes up. So. Fingers crossed.

That's enough spam for now. Peace!

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Oh, how I love this song. [17 Jun 2009|10:34am]
[ mood | optimistic ]

American Dreaming from Dead Can Dance:

I need my conscience to keep watch over me
To protect me from myself
So I can wear honesty like a crown on my head
When I walk into the promised land
We've been too long American dreaming
I think we've all lost the way
Fear long somnambulistic maniacal in the dark

I'm in love with an American girl
Well she's my best friend
I love her surreptitious smile
That hides the pain within her
And we'll go dancing in rings of laughter
The Nibelung by the shores
Fear long in the bounds of raptures
And even long for the loss

Yea-- on a lea the rising wind blows
Fey-- on a lea the rising wind blows
How long how long?

Fear long in the grounds of allegiances we left behind
Turnban by the foot of the doorway
Never lost and found
We've been too long American dreaming
I think we've all lost the heart
Fear long somnambulistic maniacal in the dark

Yea-- on a lea the rising wind blows
Fey-- on a lea the rising wind blows
How long how long?

Now, there are a couple different versions of the lyrics, apparently Dead Can Dance doesn't have an official version, or at least their website doesn't.

In anycase, it's a beautiful song, and if I prefer the version that alludes to evil dwarves dancing in the tide, well then you know me.

Things have been so strange. I don't feel... right. I can't explain it. I feel disconnected and yet... less depressed. I don't feel like me, but that isn't a bad thing. Mostly I feel this peculiar sense of restlessness and anxiety.

Jay and I are doing better, lots better, which is awesome. I think I just needed to stop being quietly resentful and start being firm. It appears to be working. (Also, ouch, I just got hit right in the neck with a nerf dart. Man, I'm going to miss my office and the people in it. :( *sigh*)

I think these feelings are the beginning of the change I need. I really do. This feels like letting go. Letting go of who I am right now, which I need to do to accept who I'll be. You know.. it blows that that sounds so... stupid. Melodramatic and emo or something. It's not. I'm not wringing my hands or trying to say I'm chrysalizing into a butterfly or something ridiculous like that... but I do feel like I'm changing and that's why I've been so out of sorts.

My language skills are inadequate.

I have serious urges to spend time drawing, or writing.

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Things to do [15 Jun 2009|05:16pm]
[ mood | anxious ]

Ally showed me an article about an anonymous person donating millions and millions of dollars to colleges across the country. Perhaps this is the source of the awesome that is is the letter I got.

A secret part of me does not trust this good news and is convinced something is up. I'm trying to tell that part of me to shut the hell up and appreciate the awesome.

In anycase, I have a veritable crapton of stuff to do before the move.

I can't believe I only have two weeks of work left.

This job, silly though it may be, has done wonders to boost my confidence in my ability to do things correctly. I've had nothing but praise here at BioWare and I genuinely feel like I made sizable contributions to the Dragon Age project. I've seen visible evidence that my opinion mattered, enough to change things in a multimillion dollar project. It's kind of a huge ego boost. :p The people here are awesome and I am going to miss them very much. I'm kind of feeling uber awkward about asking some of my coworkers to come out a gatheringish partyesque event. I dunno. I don't think anyone would show if I invited them. Guh.

Things I need to do:

Go to Pet store, buy three cat carriers.
Go find and purchase some bubble wrap.
Find a charity organization that would like a bunch of random stuff like plates and glasses and a couch and electronics. Maybe the Salvation Army?

Breathe.

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...! [12 Jun 2009|08:40pm]
[ mood | shocked ]

Someone... I have NO idea who... payed ten THOUSAND dollars of my student loans.

My mother just called to let me know this. She has the certificates that prove my loans have been paid in full.

...I don't even know what to say or what to think or... OH MY FUCKING GOD! That's.... I'm speechless.

!

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A better day [12 Jun 2009|07:19pm]
[ mood | peaceful ]

Which is a relief. A little less tired today, which is always a plus. And also, there is the fact that's it's Friday.

The house is clean, which always makes me feel better, not that I can take much of that credit, however I did help.

I think it's finally sinking in. We're moving, had some folks over last night to see if they want to take over our lease, and in a couple hours we have the relocation people coming by our house to assess how much it will be to haul our stuff to Montreal.

I'm trying really hard not to think about the job situation once we get to Montreal. How much I hate looking for jobs, interviewing, running around and trying to find places. The stress and anxiety of 'did I get it' 'will I ever hear back' and the knowledge that the field I'm likely going to be applying into is notorious for the 'we only contact you if you're being considered for an interview' are all disheartening. Plus the burn from the EA thing... well. It's a huge disappointment.

But I'm trying not to think about that. Can't control it, can only try, right?

I'm trying to come up with my list. Here is what I have so far:

* Lose 20 pounds. I want to start small, make manageable milestones.

* Set up a calender will bill due dates and hang this in an unavoidable place.

* Devise a schedule of small chores to be done through the week to help me keep the house clean. Like:
Monday: Pick up the living room.
Tuesday: Clean all bathroom surfaces.
Wednesday: Clean out the refrigerator, check dates and wipe down surfaces.
Thursday: Sweep floors.
Friday: Laundry and picking up the bedroom.
Saturday: Bathtub, toilet bowl, scrub down the stove, do kitchen/bathroom floors.
Sunday: Chill out.

* Go for a walk every other day, outside, with Jay

* Play EA Sports Active on opposite days

* Re-contact people about my student loans

* Get my driver's license

That's what I've got so far. As was suggested, just the act of writing it helped.

The moving people came by today. It was kind of strange going through our house pointing at all the stuff we're taking and throwing away. Kinda felt my stomach lurch a bit. Jay asked me if we're making a big mistake. I didn't really know what to say. I hope not.

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[10 Jun 2009|02:20pm]
[ mood | drained ]

Not much going on today. Sleepy, as always. Trying to find some inspiration for something. I've been inordinately happy with my little fic-bits. It's been ages since I've written anything, focusing on art instead. Speaking of art, I think I'm going to start taking photos of my most recent miniatures and post 'em here.

So I've got more cleaning to do tonight, but it's mostly just picking up. Plus Jay and I are going for a walk tonight and then, finally, rest. I've got a lot of painting to do and I've discovered that Boston Legal is like the Deadpool version of television. They do a lot of 4th wall breaking and no matter how much it happens it still makes me giggle hysterically.

Jay and I confirmed our list for what we're taking and what we're not. Now we just have to actually start going through the boxes and dividing stuff. I figure I'll call up one of the local charities and donate the stuff we're getting rid of. We're throwing out televisions and computers and couches and dining room tables and stuff.

Time is my enemy right now. I have this pit of unbridled fear in my stomach. That's normal in the face of change. I think this would be so different if I were different. I want to change. I really do. I'm not comfortable in my skin anymore.

I know I've always been shy, but this is ridiculous. I assume everyone I meet is repulsed by me. I can't think of anything that I do that has any value. Logically I know I have skills, but it all just seems so worthless, things that everyone can do. Nothing special.

I want to change. I want to be different. I want to be someone who communicates. Who keeps in touch. Who is responsible and on top of things. I'm tired of being so TIRED all the time. I let it be my excuse for everything. It's like, I know that if I want to change I have to be the one who does it. I just hate that it hurts to change.

It's like walking to work. There's a hill and I'm always out of breath when I get to the top. And I -hate- that feeling. I hate feeling like a fat, gasping fish. But the only way to stop is to do it over and over and over again.

Ugh. When did this entry turn all self-hating? Pleh. I know what I have to do. I have to take control and tell myself I can't wuss out. I HAVE to change. I have to.

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Something lighter, admittedly abstract, and totally not cannon [09 Jun 2009|04:36pm]
[ mood | creative ]

Faster!Collapse )

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...Are you there Tyr? It's me, Tally.... [09 Jun 2009|01:10pm]
[ mood | sleepy ]

Hrm. I dunno about this one. Kinda not my usual thing. Ah well.

Paladin Blues behind the cutCollapse )

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Borday... snore. [08 Jun 2009|02:48pm]
[ mood | relaxed ]

Oi. I'd seriously like to actually be able to do work at work instead of just surfing the internet all day. Ugh.

In other news I had a pretty awesome weekend. Trying to fit in all the Ferret and Ally time we can before the move. Ferret game this weekend, which is always fun. I think the reason I like it so much is that it is incredibly complex and it's not always cut and dried wins. For instance, we made a massive victory for my Paladin, by defeating the false pope, bringing down the Grand Inquisitor that had been a thorn in the party side (or at least Tally's) for a while; but at the same time, I fumbled a roll and dropped one of the God's blades (one of 12 central artifacts our team has been trying to collect for the last year or more of game) and had the person she likely hates most in the entire game, grab it and get away. I was so pissed! Lol, but that's what I love (typically after a half and hour or so of pouting) it's complicated. It's kinda like real life. It's very unusual that everything goes smoothly. Plus it gets me all fired up and determined to get it right next time. Tally takes these failings so personally. But the rest of game was amazing. There was the second party wedding disaster (the first being when Tally got married, and her wedding gift of an estate ended up being a death trap that nearly burned everyone she loved alive, culminating in a battle she had to fight buck naked) this time featuring the marriage of (former) Countess Roz to Prince Frederick, in which Singen Vertise (the son of our recently defeated arch rival from day 1) murdered Roz in front of everyone with another God's Blade (Hermes, with the ability to fly at the target no matter the distance away with precision and kill them) only to have the most Wiley Coyote death ever.

Here's the scene:

Roz insisted on a Military wedding, royal or not and actually incorporated chainmail into her wedding dress, so everyone is armed to the teeth and most are on edge. We've had paranoia ground into us from early on, so even though this is a happy day, we're all waiting. Roz, with her eagle eyes (and being the most paranoid of all) is the only one that sees the hint of purple that is coming towards her. With the (real and ONLY) pope officiating, she knows the target of the incoming blade is either herself, Frederick or the Pope. No one else has a chance to move, or react as the blade sinks itself to the hilt into... Roz. Chaos, breaks out, the Prince, in a moment of genuine rage and panic, pulls the blade and flings it back in the direction it came from (despite Tally and Orden's shouts) as he openly weeps. An ally of ours, Valeri the gypsy, wielding a healing God's blade comes running, ducking the swarms of knights trying to stop him and throws his sword at Roz (It has to stab you to heal you), Tally can't do anything but stand there. Orden runs at monk speed to follow the trajectory of the blade, only to find Singen at the top of his Mage tower. He fireballs the HELL out of him, just as the Hermes blade sinks back into Singen. So, he's on fire AND stabbed, but has the strength to pull the blade out and throw it again ... this time it's aimed for Tally. Who, being as she is, throws herself towards it to keep it from hitting anyone else. Except she's currently wielding the Ares blade who's talent is to turn attacks back on the attacker. So Hermes flies up to Tally, spins ... and flies back to Singen, stabbing him as he's falling from the top of the tower... on fire... I'd say 'Poor guy' but he really is a fantastic asshole. Tally's only action was to grab the newly healed Roz and book over towards Singen so the last thing he gets to see is his own failure.

Because despite being a paladin, she also knows how to kick a burning, fallen, stabbed man in the balls before he dies.

That's my girl.

So that was fun. Roz married the Prince and became a Princess, which is exactly what Tally's been plotting and planning for just about ever, making her a smug, smug Duchess. The only thing I forgot to mention and I should ask Ally is if Catherine (Tally's 2 year old daughter, Catherine Rosamund Cerridwen Riverend) could have been a flower girl. Hehehe. I'm pretty sure it would have been allowed.

In non game news, Jay and I might have a couple interested in subletting our apartment for the rest of our lease, which... would be a huge relief. They'll be coming sometime this week to check the place out. Plus Jay and I have to have the 'What's staying, what's going' talk because AIRES is coming this Friday to do the estimate for the move. Tonight is shopping for cat carriers and this week marks the first multicat drive. We've had Cricket and Kif out for hour-long drives solo, but we're going to start the multicat runs, hoping that they don't set each other off. Fingers crossed.

Speaking of the cats, it appears that border crossing isn't that bad as long as we have papers. I'm a little nervous because the vet is recommending that we get Cricket's rabies shot updated... we haven't since her first. Which, as some of you might remember, resulted in her having seizures. So. I'm a little nervous. But if we must, we will. We're debating routes, now that we have time. If we go north it's likely to be a lot prettier. But if we go south... I can see Allison, Lacey and Melissa, not to mention show Jay the town I grew up in, and see my cousin Ben.

Another plus in the Montreal category is I'll be a 10 hour drive from my cousin, who I adore. Christmas with FAMILY. Its a baffling and awesome thought.

Okay, Update is FINALLY done. I can actually do some work now.

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Soooooo bored. Sooooooooo bored. [05 Jun 2009|03:56pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

Since work is one big ol' pain the butt, I think I'll randomly think of things to say here. I had a chance to speak to the relocation people yesterday and got some questions answered. So yes, officially: They are putting us in a fully furnished apartment for the first month while our stuff goes into storage. They are paying for the second move when we find a place of our own, too. Which: Glee! Whew. That's a relief.

Dunno how many of you know this, but Montreal is kind of a crazy place(Rome is a crazy place,
I like it here, it's brilliant. I'm staying here - all the kids on Vespas, no helmets, brilliant.). They have a city-wide Moving Day. Yes. You read that right. Everyone is supposed to move on the same day. All leases begin and end on this day; all apartment rentals are listed as being available on that day, etc. I can't even begin to conceive of who thought this logistical clusterfuck would be a good idea. Oh. And what day is Moving Day, you may ask? Why, it's July 1st. You know. Two weeks before we get there.

So I have a moderate amount of stress about getting stuck with a total crap-palace because all the good apartments got snatched up on the 1st. But we've been told that's not necessarily the case.

That combined with my born again anxiety re: no job upon landing causes tons of butterflies. I mean, on that front, I did feel a touch guilty when the EA folks asked what my future plans of staying with EA were, knowing, as I do that I had precious little interest staying there once BioWare Montreal began hiring. I really want to come back into the BioWare fold. I just hope that they start hiring pretty soon.

I'm cooking up some more writing exercises, or rather, formulating some stuff in my head I want to do to celebrate my two current characters. It's sad knowing that I only have a couple more sessions with them. I've grown quite attached to Holly in a relatively short period of time. I think we've been playing Mage... holy crap since December of 07. Where the hell did the time go?? Cripes. Okay, so yeah. In the last year and a half I've grown rather attached to my little creepy Holly. As far as the D&D game, I'm pretty sure we started playing that Sept/October of 2006. So.. yeah, nearly three years. I'm a little attached to the girls.

Anyhoo, I suppose that's all for now.

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Happy anniversary! [05 Jun 2009|12:34pm]
[ mood | happy ]

Last night I can happily report was very nice. Jay and I were very chill about our anniversary this year. And by chill I totally don't mean that we both forgot until the 2nd (which reminds me I have to call Ben and wish him a happy birthday) and then forgot again until 3 pm on the day of. Totally didn't. Nope.

God we're both such dorks. Despite forgetting about it, we decided to go out to The Keg and had a really nice dinner. I'm becoming one of those 'orders a glass of wine with dinner' chicks which I think is fucking weird considering if you ask, I don't -like- wine. But yeah, yummy dinner and then we went home and played a game of Smallworld and watched some TV. The important part was just the fact that we spent the time together. Which in and of itself is weird because we "spend time together" all the effing time, but it isn't the same. Who knows. Regardless, it was a good night. Like I told him, I don't really think anniversaries mean anything. It's not about marking off another year we've been together; that kind of thing is pointless. It's the days we spend together that matter. It's the quality of those days.

It is completely possible to spend all your time with someone and still be totally lonely. I have been for a while now, because when we're stressed, both Jay and I tend to retreat and clam up. So we spend all this time together, but alone at the same time.

Last night was lovely. And it was warm and good.

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some random fic [03 Jun 2009|05:11pm]
[ mood | random ]

Dunno where this came from, but here it is.Collapse )

4 comments|post comment

Yes, she does yet live. [02 Jun 2009|11:18am]
[ mood | lost ]

So.

I'm thinking about trying this again. I find myself in need of a place to talk, even if it's to the silence and aether of the internet. A place to get things off my chest, hidden and secret and bitchy as needed.

I'm very lost right now. I keep thinking I've found myself and it's like Mario and that fucking 'Your princess is in another castle' bullshit.

Not that I'm necessarily a princess. Tulle typically gets in the way and I'm clumsy enough as it is.

I'm trying to figure out if this journal is still me, or if this is a probative test to see who's still listening and interested to let them know when I find the right journal.

Names are such silly important things. Maybe this is still me. Or maybe this will help me remember who I am.

7 comments|post comment

Hoooo Suzannah.... [01 Mar 2006|10:33am]
Holy shit ladies and gents... She's back.

Yeah, so I just got my new computer and thought that maybe, possibly, I should post. Cuz I haven't. In forever.

Okay... quick-style Recap of Tory's life since... what? Novemeber? I can't remember. Anyway:

October:
Thanksgiving(Canadian or otherwise) on a diet sucks balls. But hey -- I didn't do too terribly.
Work started sucking a lot.
Met a girl named Meagan and Angie and I got to be better friends. Wedding plans fell to the wayside as I just tried to concentrate on living.
Oh, and my computer died a firey and painful death.
Found a wedding dress, paid for half of it.
Begin waiting for Winter to arrive in Edmonton.

November:
Work continues to suck.
American Thanksgiving is also sucky while dieting.
Diet not going very well at all. Not gaining a lot, but not losing either.
Getting closer with Meagan and Angie, starting to smoke cigarettes again, socially.
Work really starting to blow.
Wedding remembered, starting to get stressed trying to plan the thing on my own.
Jay gets tested for sleep apnea. Tests ruled botched, try again noob.
Still waiting for Winter. No snow yet.

December:
Christmas! Diets! Fuck the world! Yeah, so, totally threw the diet away Christmas week, however, I only gained 2 pounds. Sadly those 2 pounds wouldn't go away. Once the diet was blown, was very blown.
Work gets worse. Insanely busy, slightly understaffed, stress and drama piling up. Starting to feel run down all the time.
Jay gets diagnosed with Prostititus (sp?) freaking and stress ensue. Also no sex.
Hanging out with Angie and Meagan all the time. Social smoking becomes nearly everyday smoking.
Retesting for Jay's apnea. He wears a mask to bed for a week. I'm sleeping with Vader. He's more wigged than I. What does that say about me? He stops wearing the mask. Cue denial.
Still stressing over wedding, starting to make some decisions, but no real progress. Find a hotel for reception, have contracts sent to the house, but nothing gets moved on it.
STILL waiting for Winter. We have a BROWN Christmas. In Canada. Yeah. There's no such thing as Global Warming.

January:
Starts off with a bang. Jay starts having chest pains goes to the Emergency room New Years Eve and again New Years Day. Cue freaking a lot.
Diet still not going well. Hovering around the same mark I was back in November, depression and frustration lead to abandoning the diet. Much eating of cookies. Mostly sweet things I shouldn't have.
Work is really sucking now. People are angry, Meagan and Angie unhappy as well. Pressure building.
Partying, drinking, french fries and strippers, Meagan and Angie remind Tory she's got a party-girl buried inside her. There is much booze and drinking and dancing. And poles.
Remembering of the Wedding, contracts sent back with money. Commitment is on.
Social smoking becomes smoking. Doing it alone and buying packs. Bad Tory. Bad bad.
Another girl from PetsMart, Shelly, joins the amazing partying trio. She introduces us to the crack and splendor that is karaoke. The world begins to break.
Tory gets a cell phone. Joins this millenia.
Karaoke Party goes wrong, Angie gets hurt, Tory gets way too drunk, tries to go home with no keys and proceeds to bang on front door for over an hour at 6 in the morning. Jay doesn't wake up, Tory freaks and calls the police, thinking that Jay has had a heart attack, at 7am Police break down the door, Jay wakes up to chaos. Drunken Tory sobs, Jay comforts... Tory deems him best man ever.
Uhm... still waiting for Winter. Where's the snow? Where's the cold? I'm wearing a tshirt and no jacket outside. I'm a little freaked out.

February:
Struggling to get back on track with the diet, still very little progress there. Had a day where ten pounds were lost between a Monday and a Thursday, a new low was hit -- and then promptly gained it all back in the next week. Still struggling to get back to that low.
Work situation comes to a head, resumes are sent out online, a few bites come back with requests for interviews and then... one job suddenly is popping up everywhere, new girl at work also works there, the girls at the diet place have a client who is the head HR person... a backdoor is opened and times are set for interviews and assessment tests. The job is a GOOD one. 2 bucks more an hour, regular 7-3 shifts Monday through Friday with work on weekends only every second weekend. No dress code. Tory likes and wants this job. Much stress while waiting to hear back. Meagan, Angie and Shelly also apply.
Tory goes to a Strip Club and manages to lose her passport. hoooray. Considers shooting herself.
Tory, Meagan and Shelly get the job and promptly deliver notice to PetsMart, screwing them over royally.
Tory quits smoking.
Tory joins a gym.
Tory finds a wedding officient, a place to make invitations, a florist and bakery. Also drags Jay to look at wedding rings.
Mom sends birthcertificate, SIN and Alberta Health Care are reapplied for, the little problems with New Hire paperwork are smoothed out before they are problems.
Winter sort of comes, cold, not so much snow. Still.

March:
SNOW! Holy crap, it's inSANE!
Sore from working out and making my first post in months and months.

Uhm. Yeah. So I'm back. Hi everyone.
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So, yeah... [24 Nov 2005|12:12pm]
I'm not dead. I'm still very much alive. Just my computer did die. Plus RL has been dominating lately. Which, overall I think is a good thing. Have lots and lots of plans right now. The wedding is moving on. I'm getting the contract for the chapel sent to me. I'm going to talk to the lady at the hotel on Mondayish. I'm putting half of the money down on my wedding dress on Wednesday. Yup. Jesus. It's really starting to happen now. Crazy.

I'm also going Christmas shopping next wednesday. My hope is to get everything done. Well. Everything I don't do with Jay. Which.. okay. I want to get half done. And Jay's things obviously. Anyway. Yeah.

I've felt like crap for a few months now. I'd really like that to stop soon please. I also need to take some time off work before I go mental.

Annnyway, speaking of work, I need to head there.

Blah.
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In other news... [17 Nov 2005|12:24pm]
[ mood | mystified ]

The Nine Inch Nails show was amazing. I never got to the level of squeey joy that I used to, but it was fantastic. I blew out my voice screaming and singing along.

Still can't find my keys. I'm pretty much giving up hope at this point.

The wedding stuff is continuing. I feel like every step forward results in three back. Why is everything so damned expensive?

Grump.

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Here I am again. [16 Nov 2005|10:01am]
[ mood | foul ]

Ngh.

Can someone please remind me that I don't have to feel like puking everytime I eat? Yeah. Cuz this sucks. I'm also surrounded by pregnant women or women who think they might be. So perhaps this is a wacky combination of stress and sympathy vomitousness. It can end any moment now. Really.

I've also been starting my days in foul moods a lot lately. I don't remember the last time I felt good after waking up. Again, given that Jay was diagnosed recently with fairly severe sleep apnea, I'm likely suffering sympathy unrest. Or just the fact that he's waking up so often wakes me up. Or something. I dunno. I'm just exhausted all the time and cranky. @whee!

Tonight I'm going to go see Nine Inch Nails. The openers are Death From Above 1979 and Queens of the Stone Age. The horrible, completely unTory part of all this? I'm desperately trying to find some excitement over this fact. The most I can seem to summon is a vague 'enh. Should go get earplugs before we leave for the show'. What the bloody hell is wrong with me?

I'm in a rotten mood. Again. I still can't find my keys. This is driving me mental. They /have/ to be somewhere in this house as the last day I had them I was at work. Unless I magically left them at work and somehow no one has seen them, they HAVE to be in this apartment. So I keep looking growing ever more bitter.

I find myself making a bunch of characters and then being disappointed at my RP possibilities. There's a new thing on the horizon at the moment that looks extremely promising. I just need to get my head wrapped around the system and my concept and hope that I can fit in and make something work.

I'm also exceedingly bitter about Denver at the moment and struggling to try to remember what the fuck I'm doing this for. But that's hardly surprising really, is it? Nah. Not really.

Enh. Work was both awesome and work yesterday. I got up the balls to ask Lance for a raise despite K.'s assurances that he wouldn't give me one. She repeatedly told me: 'I've tried and he can't, he just can't. His hands are tied. You can try but...' and then I went to Lance and I told him I needed more money, and he was like, 'aren't you making X?' and I was like, 'Uh, no. I'm making X.' and he's like, 'Oh. That's not good. I'll get you a raise on Friday. All I can do is 5 percent, you deserve more, but that's all Head office allows us to make.' and I was like 'Yay!' Then Sylvia taught me how to use the forklift. Which is sweet. She also told me to practice as much as possible at work. So. This here is a big ol' Fuck You to K. who's always telling me I won't get a raise, that I am a slacker who doesn't work hard and that I couldn't possibly be promoted because I am not in any way as cool or as hard working as her. Screw. You.

Okay. I think I'm done bitching for now.

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